“We meet the people we’re supposed to when the time is just right”, Alyson Noel.
Each and every person we meet teaches us a life lesson. Either good or bad according to our own background, relationship patterns, and phases of life, this specific person offers a new perspective that we do not have to agree on but that we must respect. We should also understand the impact on our own vision and personal journey.
1. Are we meant to meet the right people?
No, of course. The interactions we have
I wrote a more detailed article on these different attachment types as depicted by Bowlby so that you can get a better understanding. I also strongly recommend the following book to help you grasp these groundbreaking hypotheses, ‘A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development’ by John Bowlby. And shall I add… is there such a thing as meeting the ‘right’ people? Right for whom, when, and based on what?
Apart from disorganized and malignant profiles, I truly believe in the fact that we meet some people for specific reasons. Even if the relationship ends badly or is not perceived as good as one would like it, we all learn from the interaction. We can then reflect on what went/goes wrong, what came/comes from the person and what came/comes from you. From this interaction, we can make a change to get a happier and more fulfilling relationship later on.
2. What are the dynamics involved?
We must remember that a relationship or friendship is an interaction between two people at a specific stage of their lives. This means that these two persons have to deal with conscious thoughts and feelings which can be expressed as easily as they are both able to at this specific time. We also should take into account the unconscious of these two individuals that are by definition way harder to decipher and thus manifest properly. Therefore, it is relevant to say that every relationship definitely needs work, efforts, and understanding towards the other and towards oneself.
Questioning oneself and reflecting does not mean feeling guilty if the relationship does not suit you, as long as you have put enough effort and understanding in it. There are times when you meet people for a very short time, shorter than you had thought initially, and that’s totally OK.
We could talk about synchronicity, a Jungian term meaning ‘an event with no causal relationship yet meaningfully related‘. Or simply put, someone you had to meet at this specific time of your life for currently unknown reasons but will finally bring a lot of insights into your life.
It could also be a long term relationship that you had no other choice but to end since you were not feeling validated or good enough within it. Friends, couples, do grow apart for many different reasons. Again that’s totally OK as long as you have given your best to sustain it or if you have truly reached the breaking point. Sometimes, this lasting relationship cannot be adapted to a new way of life, a drastic change in your vision of life, or actually many times right after a deep therapeutic analysis.
3. How to get to the roots of these dynamics?
In my opinion, therapy is the best way to understand the origins of the patterns you have developed, your current attachment type, the interactions you have had so far and what elements could be improved when you feel ready.
Finally, guilt is a very rough and strong feeling that no one should impose on you. Ending a relationship is hard and courageous as well. It does not turn you into a bad person and no one should make you feel that way either. As long as you are deep down totally OK with this decision and you surely know it is the best choice for your own well-being, then you should not feel any guilt. What matters is you and your own wellbeing, not the pressure of society, friends, or family.